Saturday, January 01, 2011

2010: The Year in Child-Related Facebook Status Updates

nora’s response to another round of vaccinations: grabbing a discarded needle and going for the nurse. • not to brag or anything, but nora’s pediatrician informed me that in the bovine world I’d be considered a holstein • was informed by her son that he does not love her. or nora. only daddy. • so ends elaine’s full-time maternity leave, and yet the photo albums are still not organized. guess we need to have another kid. • there is a digger and a bulldozer and a truck in our alley -- it’s like Christmas all over again. • owen informed me that he has 2 girlfriends and that they are both alright w/ this. apparently one shouldn’t watch “big love” while pregnant. • elaine‘s 4 ½ month old baby is watching the state of the union, and she’s not. • owen received a helium balloon two weeks before Christmas that is still going at full tilt. is it possibly for a balloon to make a deal w/ the devil? • just put owen’s educational future in the hands of the lottery gods. and michelle rhee. • the wind blew fort #1 over. Owen is now in bed as allen begins work on fort #2. • I asked owen to take his underwear off and put on a pull-up for bed. he then proceeded to sing a song & dance while doing it. the whole scene kind of weirded me out. • has begun rationing diapers. • contrary to his assertions, owen was in fact not ready for underwear overnight. • elaine’s daughter just got to first base w/ her. • owen started shouting, “gay, gay, gay…” at dinner. i asked him to stop. he asked me if it was a nice word. i no longer know. thoughts? • allen told owen to stop singing “nana, nana, boo, boo.” owen immediately started singing “gaga, gaga, gaga” at which point allen banned the underlying melody. i had no idea we could do that. next up: "hangin’ tough." • after last night’s experience, i’m no longer convinced teeth are worth it. • has the distinction of having the only child to ever throw a fit b/c he wanted to eat his vegetables • my god, the poop. • needs to remember that if she’s going to check which side she’s on before going downstairs to nurse her daughter, she should do so in the privacy of her own office rather than the DOL hallway lest she become the creepy economist lady that keeps feeling herself up. • just googled “baby ingested hosta” and got zero applicable hits. apparently i am the only negligent mother out there who also has lovely foliage. • you know when your child has an accident on the way home while in the stroller & so you really need to get home but you run into an acquaintance in the park that wants to discuss parenting & you just can’t bear to let them know that your child had an accident lest it somehow reflect badly on you & so you chat for 5-10 minutes while your child sits in their own urine? nope, me neither. • is relieved her son ultimately decided not to wear his princess dress to school today since it’s really her camisole top. • is home sick today w/ both her children (who are healthy) due to an ill-timed work retreat for allen & stomach bug for me. i am contractually obligated to note, however, that allen offered to skip the retreat and I told him “no.” • is trying to update nora’s baby book. in reality, she’s making stuff up. • based on recent behavior, three and three-quarters is the new two. • stopped at the park on the way home so owen could walk the tightrope. • just stole candy from a baby. • mommy, we don’t have room for any more babies. • three years, nine months and 2 kids later, we finally finished the tub of diaper cream. • the problem w/ introducing your 3 ½ year old to billy bragg is that he will inevitably turn to you and shout, “i put you on a pedestal, i put you on the pill,” which is just a weird thing for a 3 ½ year old to say to his mom. • nora learned how to cluck her tongue today. as a show of solidarity, we all sat on the floor and clucked together. it was oddly soothing. • parenting tip #103: when slack motherf***ers comes up on your playlist & your 3 ½ year old is nearby, you’re going to want to go ahead and press, “skip.” • on the plus side, nora’s first word is officially, “mama.” Unfortunately, she only seems to use it when she’s annoyed. • had no idea that having children entailed so many listserves. • is off to her first PTA meeting. for her 3 ¾ year old. in july. b/c that’s how we parent on the hill. • the senate energy committee has asked allen to delay our trip to iowa (and nora’s baptism) in order to revise his latest economic analysis. So it’s come to this, america: nora’s immortal soul or cap & trade legislation. • nora’s immortal soul wins! sorry about the environment, america. • ceiling fans are scary to the uninitiated. • owen: “i don’t love my girlfriend… every morning she tells me we need to have a big talk.” • last night owen fell out of bed. this morning he had shots. this afternoon he said goodbye to all his friends he’s had since he was born. tonight he has a temp of 101.8. turning 4 is rough. • so I think it’s all going to come down to our ability to convince owen that you don’t choose schools based on their proximity to baseball fields. and i’m not at all confident we’ll be successful. • Peabody it is. now excuse me while i go break-up with an elementary school. • owen did a great job getting dropped off for his first day of pre-K. me? I started throwing-up at 3:45 am. • and if I weren’t overwhelmed enough today, nora took three steps. • my baby girl is no longer a baby. • needs to find a better hiding spot for toys she’s trying to get rid of than owen’s closet. • owen has a bump on his foot. I postulated that it might be a blister or a wart. he informed me that it was his nipple. • allen is reading owen the first chapter of the hobbit – it’s kind of the moment he’s been waiting for since we decided to have kids. • has a sleeping baby in her office. • learned to never ask her child if he loves her lest she be informed, “not really.” • to everyone on delta flight #DL1745 who were lucky enough to celebrate nora’s first flight w/ us: mea culpa. • is chaperoning a bunch of four year olds as they appreciate masterpieces and brushstrokes. • needs to convince her son to stop referring to players of sport teams by their uniform color, because out of context, “I don’t like the black guys” doesn’t sound so great. • owen invented a new game at bath time called, is it hard or squishy?” we’ve decided this is not a mommy game. • has lost the moral authority when instructing her children not to pick scabs. • new rule: if blood is drawn on your watch you can’t just hand the kid over and leave 15 minutes later, even if it is for work. • parenting tip #247: always check the moisture level of slides when visiting the playground before 8 am. neglecting to do so means that instead of being the fun mom that’s the first one down the slides, you’re the grownup at the playground w/ a wet ass. • survived 3 healthy four year old boys and one sick one year old girl. • please, dark lord, stop possessing my baby girl. • nora keeps saying, “uh-oh” in her sleep. apparently she keeps dropping stuff in her dreams. • is thankful that the minivan has a dvd player. • discovered that the pocket in owen’s lunchbox has been doubling as a receptacle for discarded carrots. • owen’s response to the cold? taking off all his clothes and sitting on a heat vent. • someone just exclaimed to me, “I can’t believe you had a baby two months ago.” I don’t know what to do w/ that. • learned 3 things while standing in line w/ her family for 1.5 hours in 37 degree temps in order to tour the white house: 1) the Netflix phone app is essential; 2) my 15 month old can say “blues clues;” and 3) 1) & 2) combined w. the fact that my children were standing in line for 1.5 hours in 37 degree temps means I’m not winning mother of the year. • apparently, sugarplums scare the hell out of nora. • nora is abusing baby sign language. • tomorrow’s to-do list: the great toy purge of 2010.